Just letting my mind wander.

A very central part of my unhappiness is this: I am not the kind of person I admire.

For one thing, I am a coward. I walk away from situations where I might be able to help others. Not always, but usually.

I am indecisive.

I've wasted several years of my life doing practically nothing, and I hesitate, postpone and procrastinate.


There are aspects to me that I do admire, though. My skill with computers (usage, building of, troubleshooting, repairing), my hobby of photography, my love of Tea and my cat, reading.. Sometimes my memory impresses me. I randomly remember something long forgotten, maybe a line from a song, and if I think about it for a while, I can usually remember where I heard it.

I have the feeling that people try to exploit me or take advantage of me. Sometimes they succeed, because I don't have the energy to fight for my rights. Sometimes it's easier to cut one's losses and run, but you can't spend your entire life that way.

For months I've been reading apartment ads, but I've pretty much given up now, at least on the private market. I think they are all out to cheat me in one way or another. I sure feel cheated here. It's not expensive, but I feel it's not worth as much as I'm paying for it.

So now I'm mainly looking to rent an apartment through a company.. but to get what I want, which is a place where I don't have to share kitchen and bathroom with anyone else, it's going to cost 2000 to 3000 more than what I pay now. Yeah, up to double. The only way I could make that is if I had a decently paying job.

At this point I'd be happy with anything that doesn't require me to interact with lots of people, and doesn't go against my morals (like telemarketing or stuffing things in envelopes for spammers).

I've been thinking of going to the local volunteer center.. There's bound to be people who need computer help, right?

I've lived here for five years and I don't know any of my neighbors. When I move, will I have the nerve to knock on people's doors and say "Hi! I just moved here..." and all that? Doubtful.
If someone moves into your neighborhood, go say hi to them. It could be me, and I'd appreciate it immensely.