Still alive.

Still living in this place which drains the life from me. Have been in group therapy since December. While I feel that it helps, I can't really point my finger at anything that has improved. Just a better understanding of things, and the certain knowledge that I'm not alone.

For the past couple of weeks, I've had a much harder time sleeping than usual. Some nights I lie awake until dawn (which, at this time of year, happens at what most people would consider the middle of the night this far north). The main thing that keeps me awake is thoughts. I have so much on my mind. So many things I need to do, want to do, should do, and can't do.

I don't have a particular purpose behind this entry. Just wanted to say that I'm still here, and that very little has changed.

Wow, I remembered my blogger password.

At "work" now. It's not a real job, but it's something to do. My income is the same as before, except I get a little extra to cover travel expenses. Overall, I'm left with less money because when I spend so much time away from home, I spend more money on food.

I've been here for almost a month now. There are things I like, and things I resent.

I resent that I don't have administrative access to my computer. There are things I can't do, like setting the system clock or changing the power options.

Today, I was late, and it was raining. When I got here, there were EIGHT people clustered around the entrance, smoking. My heart sank, and the feeling that it'll just be the same as before solidified.

And I remembered the dream I had about a week or so after I started here..

In the dream, I was in a school. I had been given the assignment of decorating the gym. I had a bunch of small posters, about A4 size, that I was to put up on the walls. A lot of them had numbers on them. I don't remember what the rest of them were.

As I tried to put them up, I kept running out of wall space because of a window or monkey bars or whatever. I think the dream was telling me I need to plan out things in advance, or else I may end up needing to re-do something from scratch.

It also occurred to me that the whole thing was probably some kind of psychology test.

I heard footsteps approaching, and rushed to the door to lock it. I made it just in time, and ran to the second door and locked that too. I wanted to be alone. I laughed mockingly at the girl(s?) I had locked out.

In the end, I decided to use the numbers to spell out the phone number to a suicide prevention line. When the teachers found me, I was hysterical, repeating the phrase "imi ga nai" over and over again.

"It's meaningless"

I woke up crying.

I don't understand all of it, but it feels like it was something very important.

Whee, drugs.. er, I mean meds.

I've been on Cipralex (Lexapro in the US) for the past ten days. The change has been slight, but positive. When bad things happen, I don't get nearly as down about it as I used to.
I haven't broken down and cried since before I started on the drug. Granted, not a lot of bad things have happened. The vile one has moved out. My cat, who had been missing for four weeks, came back. I got some unexpected money recently, so I have some breathing room financially. I might get a laptop soon.

Life is pretty good.

Depression is still lurking out there, but I don't invite it in. Where I was unable to before, I can now choose to not think about the things that inevitably lead me spiraling into depression, and just not go there.

I've been told to be very careful with alcohol while on the meds. I haven't had any yet, waiting until it's been two weeks, then I'm going to try to have one beer, slightly weaker than regular beer, and I'll drink it slowly. And see what happens. I really don't want to be on a drug that is incompatible with alcohol. I enjoy getting drunk. I also enjoy having just one cold beer on a hot summer day, hardly getting any buzz at all. Or a glass of wine together with a good meal.

I still don't sleep well at night, but I didn't expect any change there.

A victory, and where to go from here.

Things have changed, and other things have not. In a way I feel more at peace with the world now. As if I had just carved out my place.

On Tuesday, I had my tubal ligation surgery. A routine surgery with no complications. I am now sterile. I can add "can't" to the "won't" regarding having children.
I wonder if it's made any difference at all. Without the surgery, I'd still not have offspring. I'd make sure of that.

The price of freedom is eternal vigilance. Some women still get pregnant despite having taken every precaution. I can't help but think that I am at risk. I don't think it will give up so easily.

---

I spend so much of my life waiting. Right now I'm waiting to get well after the surgery, hoping I'll have the time and energy to visit my mom and stay there for a few days, before flying over to the states again. After I return, I'm going to start seeing a therapist, and making more of an effort to get a job.

How many times have I postponed doing that just because some event is coming up? Waiting until summer, waiting until new year, waiting until spring, waiting for summer vacation to be over.. I'm tired of that.

So I called the psychiatry place today, a few hours ago, to get my appointment changed a second time, as I won't be in town on May the 2nd. I told them that any time after May the 9th is good for me (I return on the 8th), and I gave them my phone number so they could call me back, but I bet I'll just get a letter again. Once I have that date, I'll email my case worker at aetat and ask for an appointment after May 9th, excluding that day.

I really need to get out of here. This house isn't a home. I don't like how I'm practically a shadow here.
And I'm not sure I can afford to wait.

Just letting my mind wander.

A very central part of my unhappiness is this: I am not the kind of person I admire.

For one thing, I am a coward. I walk away from situations where I might be able to help others. Not always, but usually.

I am indecisive.

I've wasted several years of my life doing practically nothing, and I hesitate, postpone and procrastinate.


There are aspects to me that I do admire, though. My skill with computers (usage, building of, troubleshooting, repairing), my hobby of photography, my love of Tea and my cat, reading.. Sometimes my memory impresses me. I randomly remember something long forgotten, maybe a line from a song, and if I think about it for a while, I can usually remember where I heard it.

I have the feeling that people try to exploit me or take advantage of me. Sometimes they succeed, because I don't have the energy to fight for my rights. Sometimes it's easier to cut one's losses and run, but you can't spend your entire life that way.

For months I've been reading apartment ads, but I've pretty much given up now, at least on the private market. I think they are all out to cheat me in one way or another. I sure feel cheated here. It's not expensive, but I feel it's not worth as much as I'm paying for it.

So now I'm mainly looking to rent an apartment through a company.. but to get what I want, which is a place where I don't have to share kitchen and bathroom with anyone else, it's going to cost 2000 to 3000 more than what I pay now. Yeah, up to double. The only way I could make that is if I had a decently paying job.

At this point I'd be happy with anything that doesn't require me to interact with lots of people, and doesn't go against my morals (like telemarketing or stuffing things in envelopes for spammers).

I've been thinking of going to the local volunteer center.. There's bound to be people who need computer help, right?

I've lived here for five years and I don't know any of my neighbors. When I move, will I have the nerve to knock on people's doors and say "Hi! I just moved here..." and all that? Doubtful.
If someone moves into your neighborhood, go say hi to them. It could be me, and I'd appreciate it immensely.

So I got the results from the most recent sleep study today. Much of it is medical jargon. "No indication of apnea," it says. I had four of something called "hypopnea" and a total of eight awakenings. Because I had slept exceedingly bad the previous 2-3 nights, I fell asleep in minutes instead of staying awake for hours like I'm almost used to now.

First it's not apnea, then it is, and now it isn't again.

At the end of the report, the doctor draws attention to the fact that I described myself as an evening person, and tries to write it off as a result of a distorted sleep schedule.

Sleep effectivity 90,3% my ass. Then why did I sleep for ten hours and wake up just as tired as I was when I went to bed? That doesn't sound very effective to me.

In other news, I am hearing things that aren't happening more frequently. Possibly due to paranoia and/or sleep deprivation.

Some days, giving up almost seems like an option. But there's a better life waiting for me, if I can keep my determination to fight for it.

It's all so difficult.

I have so many things that I need to do. Some of them have deadlines looming close, some indefinite.

The last time I talked to my Aetat contact person, he gave me the "homework" of writing an article about slugs, since I care so much about them. I've done a lot of research, but I can't find enough reliable sources, or any at all regarding some aspects. Have been to bookstores asking for books about slugs, but they have none. Deadline: Unknown. Was to be in the past, but the appointment had to be cancelled due to illness, no new appointment has been scheduled.

Decided I should see a psychologist/psychiatrist/whatever again. Would rather go to a private one than have a random one assigned to me at the policlinic (especially since I may need long-term help, and if I just go to the policlinic, they'll reassign me one if I move. Last time that happened was a disaster), so my doctor has given me a list of names, and it's up to me to write letters to them. I can't do it. Seeing my doctor again on the 28th.

Had an appointment with a job psychologist the other day. Seeing her again on the 31st. Until then, she wants me to make a list of jobs I would like and companies I'd like to work for. I don't even know how or where to start.

On the 9th of this month, I won an auction for some RAM. I paid the same night, and have yet to receive the item. For days I've been agonizing over what to write the guy - does the auction site not give the seller the buyer's contact info like it gives the buyer the seller's? But then he should've mailed me asking for my shipping address, right? Has he shipped the item or not? How do I ask him that in a way that doesn't make me sound like I think he's cheating me? (the guy has very good feedback, so I didn't think that likely.) What if the item is lost in the mail?
I just checked back on the site now, and he left positive feedback for me on the 20th. Maybe he waited until his bank gave him the snail mail confirmation of the payment (which is ridiculously slow) before shipping and giving feedback.. I suppose it's possible, but if I still don't get it tomorrow or the day after... What do I do? It gets more embarrassing with each day that passes.

Need to call my phone company and cancel my contract with them. Now that I have IP telephony and a cellphone, their service is redundant, and it's just stupid to keep paying for a service I never use. Just got the phone bill a few days ago, 278 kroner and not a single outgoing call. Worried that I won't get the point across to them that the line is not to be shut off as I have ADSL on the same line. Deadline: None really, but the sooner the better. Also should give my new number to various people/institutions before shutting off the old one.

Anything else? Well, I'd like to get back into roleplaying. But it's a bit too much for me, learning a new system and making a character from scratch. Not that important right now.

Should also mail my cousin and ask if he's gotten a DVD burner yet.

Oh yeah. On August the 10th, I was supposed to get a used chair from my former workplace. I showed up, but my boss wasn't there, so I went back home.. I bet she's just forgotten about it. I wonder if the offer is still standing...

It's been a really long friend since I visited my friend at her workplace too. I should go, one of these days.

I wonder how M---- is doing. I haven't talked to her in years, I think. I wonder if she still lives at that apartment.. It'd be awesome if she needed a roommate.. they've had a kitten at that apartment before.. not sure how catfriendly the area is, though. Odessa can't be an indoors only cat.

No, I'm not sure the cat would be welcome..

If I had more friends in Oslo, that'd be nice.. There'd probably be someone, or someone who knows someone who needs somebody to share the rent with.

I've decided to move. I don't think there's anything that can change my mind short of a certain person dropping dead or moving far away. My landlady isn't going to protect me from him. She doesn't want him here either, but she isn't willing to kick him out, thus, my satisfaction is not the most important thing to her. She lets him talk down to her and yell at her, leave messes and act as if he lives alone (not giving any considerations to others who use the same facilities), and it seems she's more set on pleasing him than me.
He's 33 years old, has a job and doesn't pay rent. I really don't see why she doesn't just kick him out and change the locks. Just because he's her son. I'd never let my family treat me that way.

It feels good to let these things out, even if the number of people who will read this number in the single digits.