A victory, and where to go from here.

Things have changed, and other things have not. In a way I feel more at peace with the world now. As if I had just carved out my place.

On Tuesday, I had my tubal ligation surgery. A routine surgery with no complications. I am now sterile. I can add "can't" to the "won't" regarding having children.
I wonder if it's made any difference at all. Without the surgery, I'd still not have offspring. I'd make sure of that.

The price of freedom is eternal vigilance. Some women still get pregnant despite having taken every precaution. I can't help but think that I am at risk. I don't think it will give up so easily.

---

I spend so much of my life waiting. Right now I'm waiting to get well after the surgery, hoping I'll have the time and energy to visit my mom and stay there for a few days, before flying over to the states again. After I return, I'm going to start seeing a therapist, and making more of an effort to get a job.

How many times have I postponed doing that just because some event is coming up? Waiting until summer, waiting until new year, waiting until spring, waiting for summer vacation to be over.. I'm tired of that.

So I called the psychiatry place today, a few hours ago, to get my appointment changed a second time, as I won't be in town on May the 2nd. I told them that any time after May the 9th is good for me (I return on the 8th), and I gave them my phone number so they could call me back, but I bet I'll just get a letter again. Once I have that date, I'll email my case worker at aetat and ask for an appointment after May 9th, excluding that day.

I really need to get out of here. This house isn't a home. I don't like how I'm practically a shadow here.
And I'm not sure I can afford to wait.

Just letting my mind wander.

A very central part of my unhappiness is this: I am not the kind of person I admire.

For one thing, I am a coward. I walk away from situations where I might be able to help others. Not always, but usually.

I am indecisive.

I've wasted several years of my life doing practically nothing, and I hesitate, postpone and procrastinate.


There are aspects to me that I do admire, though. My skill with computers (usage, building of, troubleshooting, repairing), my hobby of photography, my love of Tea and my cat, reading.. Sometimes my memory impresses me. I randomly remember something long forgotten, maybe a line from a song, and if I think about it for a while, I can usually remember where I heard it.

I have the feeling that people try to exploit me or take advantage of me. Sometimes they succeed, because I don't have the energy to fight for my rights. Sometimes it's easier to cut one's losses and run, but you can't spend your entire life that way.

For months I've been reading apartment ads, but I've pretty much given up now, at least on the private market. I think they are all out to cheat me in one way or another. I sure feel cheated here. It's not expensive, but I feel it's not worth as much as I'm paying for it.

So now I'm mainly looking to rent an apartment through a company.. but to get what I want, which is a place where I don't have to share kitchen and bathroom with anyone else, it's going to cost 2000 to 3000 more than what I pay now. Yeah, up to double. The only way I could make that is if I had a decently paying job.

At this point I'd be happy with anything that doesn't require me to interact with lots of people, and doesn't go against my morals (like telemarketing or stuffing things in envelopes for spammers).

I've been thinking of going to the local volunteer center.. There's bound to be people who need computer help, right?

I've lived here for five years and I don't know any of my neighbors. When I move, will I have the nerve to knock on people's doors and say "Hi! I just moved here..." and all that? Doubtful.
If someone moves into your neighborhood, go say hi to them. It could be me, and I'd appreciate it immensely.